Or, how to make sure your comments never see the light of day

Let's have some fun with spammers

Continuing the tradition of blogging about things that bug me, this week’s episode is about spammers. Not the kind that turn up in your DMs or your spam folder, but the kind awaiting moderation in your blog’s comments.

I’d also like to recognize Vowatrox, aka Avantdah– two posters who not only share the same IP address, but also a penchant for appending lengthy lists of low quality X-rated links to their nonsensical comments. Without them, this post couldn’t have happened.

Content warning: there are some vaguely offensive X-rated links shown in the screenshots for this post. View at your own risk.

How Not to Get Your Comment Approved

Whether it’s insightful reviews, biting social commentary, or glimpses into my own twisted mind, I strive to keep my blog posts informative and educational. This is a “How To” guide for getting your comment marked as spam.

1. Make it immediately apparent that you haven’t read the post you’re commenting on, as demonstrated below by Avantdah. This wonderfully pointless dissertation on health insurance brokerage was posted under Cyberpunk Is Now.

Spam from Spammer Avantdah

2. Load your comment with tons of low-quality porn and links that are likely to give anyone who clicks on them the electronic equivalent of cansyphilaids. This is so basic that even simple comment plugins filter out posts that meet this criteria.

More Gibberish from Spammer Vowatrox

3. Sound like a Nigerian scammer, as in this drivel left by Vowatrox on my article about Facebook’s suicide detection AI. Be sure to use horribly mangled syntax, and leave out critical words so the reader can only guess at your intended meaning and how it could possibly relate to the subject at hand.

Gibberish Advice from Spammer Vowatrox

4. Ask for help downloading X-rated videos in the comment section of a random blog post. Seriously buddy, ever heard of Google? Actually, I take that back– Yahoo Answers is probably more your speed.

Pron Spam by Spammer Vowatrox

5. When your comments still don’t show up, try negging. Insulting someone (or in this case, their website) is a great way to get them interested in what you have to say, right? WRONG. Negging doesn’t work for sleazy pickup artists, and it definitely isn’t going to work for you either, you illiterate shit stain.

I also cropped out the fifteen porn links that came with this comment.

Spam by Spammer Vowatrox

6. When insults don’t work, backtrack and try to suck up to the author instead. After all, who wouldn’t believe that you actually respect their content when you follow all your comments with this many suspicious links? And by “bookmark your website and maintain checking for brand spanking new information,” I can only assume you mean to continue dropping these pathetic turds into the void of my comment section’s spam bin.

Spam Comment by Spammer Vowatrox

I hope you’ve enjoyed this handy tutorial on how to make sure your comments never see the light of day. If you’re a real reader and not a malware-peddling bot, feel free to leave a comment. You can also send me your outrageous spammer/scammer fails on Facebook, or on Twitter @Leland_Lydecker.

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