It’s time for another installment of Fun with Spammers, in which the author takes apart a hapless spammer and subjects him to a brutal round of mockery. Do spammers annoy you too? Then this series is for you!

A marketing pitch turn up in my contact form submissions recently, wedged at the bottom of the bin like a moldy sandwich someone tossed into the postal drop. As an author, I see a lot of marketing pitches– and dubious ones at that. But few have been as dubious or as far off the mark as this one.

From: randy@TotallyNotAScamSite
Subject: Concerning
My name is Randy and I was looking at a few different sites online and came across your site I must say – your website is very impressive. I found your website on the first page of the Search Engine.

Did you? Did you really, Randy? Because I suspect the only way you’re going to find my little site at the top of search rankings is if you search for it –or me– by name.

Have you noticed that 70 percent of visitors who leave your website will never return? In most cases, this means that 95 percent to 98 percent of your marketing efforts are going to waste, not to mention that you are losing more money in customer acquisition costs than you need to.

Well, actually, no I hadn’t. And no, it doesn’t. Somewhere between 50 and 75 percent of my site traffic is made up of return visitors, depending on the article, and a good number of first time visitors go on to become return visitors.

Now let’s talk about these hypothetical “marketing efforts.” The short answer is I don’t. The long answer is that I sell books through retail outlets, and my marketing efforts are concentrated on getting people to visit those sites and buy my books. So, to make it simple for you, 98 percent of nothing is going to waste. That’s a big fat zero.

Do you feel the pointlessness of your sales pitch yet, Randy? You should.

As a business person, the time and money you put into your marketing efforts is extremely valuable. So why let it go to waste? Our users have seen staggering improvements in conversions with insane growths of 150 percent going upwards of 785 percent. Are you ready to unlock the highest conversion revenue from each of your website visitors?

Ah, buzzwords. Staggering improvements! Insane growths! Percentages Randy pulled out of thin air!

TotallyNotAHugeViolationOfPrivacy is a widget which captures a website visitor’s Name, Email address and Phone Number and then calls you immediately, so that you can talk to the Lead exactly when they are live on your website — while they’re hot! Best feature of all, we offer FREE International Long Distance Calling!

No. Just no. I want my visitors to feel at home here, whether it’s reading my flash fiction, perusing articles on my experiences with various publishing platforms, seeing what I’ve been up to, or just having a laugh at spammers like you, Randy. What I expressly do NOT want to do is harass them to buy my book.

Try the TotallyNotAHugeViolationOfPrivacy Live Demo now to see exactly how it works. Visit: TotallyNotAScamSite
When targeting leads, speed is essential – there is a 100x decrease in Leads when a Lead is contacted within 30 minutes vs being contacted within 5 minutes.
If you would like to talk to me about this service, please give me a call. We do offer a 14 days free trial.
Thanks and Best Regards,

It’s painfully clear that you have no idea how authors sell books, Randy. Here’s a bit of free advice: research the site and what products, if any, the owner might be selling before you spam their inbox.

If you’d like to unsubscribe click here.


To sum up today’s lesson for Randy and spammers like him:

  • DON’T go to people’s sites and use the contact form to leave spam.
  • DON’T forget to research your target. I doubt there’s any way Randy’s TotallyNotAHugeViolationOfPrivacy app would be relevant to what I do, but it’s clear that he didn’t even try to check if it would be.
  • DON’T sound like a spammer. This includes using buzzwords, random capitalization, and made-up ‘statistics.’
  • DON’T pretend someone subscribed to your spam, unless you just want to make the recipient even angrier than they already were.

This concludes another short tutorial on how not to advertise your service. I hope you’ve found this article fun and educational!

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